How do you calm yourself in those moments when the loneliness turns into panic. You’re reactive and irritated. Sad and every bad memory seems to chose this moment to come echoe into your mind. Every time you get close to someone they run. They run cos they got close to someone before you, who ran from them, and so the cycle continues. But most people seem to have toughened their hearts and minds, so they run without looking back. People are replaceable. People are disposable. But me, someone comes along who feels right, who feels safe, gets close, gets real, they run, they run and they don’t look back.
People say well you don’t want to be with someone who does this or does that, or whatever.. but I’m a single parent with no help. I’m stuck with 2 children allllll the time. So it’s not like I have a huge opportunity to meet another and another. And it’s so scary to bring someone in, only for them to leave.
It’s one thing when something doesn’t work out. I’m not talking about that. That’s a hurt I can handle. I’m talking about piece taking their past out on the next. By pulling someone in, and running the second things get real. They let fear control them and they hurt the next person before they can get hurt. And it’s f****d.
I’ve been hurt so bad that I can’t keep accepting another and another.. but they are free. They can run from bed to bed. Club to club. They can throw around the “plenty more fish in the sea” lifestyle and I’m just trying to respect and accept and appreciate the small bit of love and kindness that may occasionally come my way. It’s rare, and that’s why it hurts me so much..
And I’m losing me I’m losing what makes people want me around. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m angry. And I’m tired of pretending I’m ok just so people aren’t sick of me. Because no one wants to be around me any more.
I am screamed at all day. Tonight was terrible. And I’ve lost all patience. I’d give anything for the right person for me just to message me and tell me they miss me, love me, want to see me, ask me how I am, how my day was. I just had that. And it’s gone already. And now all I have is screaming again.
I hope no one else feels this pain tonight. And I hope you have a way to find something that can keep you centred safe and calm.