Anti depressants

Today I gave in. I was prescribed them last year when I was breast feeding my baby. When I wasn’t getting better months after abuse.. and I couldn’t comprehend why. The games and drama continued. They continue now and it breaks me. I should be stronger. 

I have in today and took my first one. I feel it’s a sign of weakness. I feel broken. But I’m tired of fighting this battle on my own. Nothing I’ve donr has worked so far. And I’m scared of the weight gain because that will make me more angry and emotional. 
UDR

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Compound.

I fall for it every time. Why would I believe it’s different today. From yesterday. From last year. From when it all exploded in my face. Stop believing in people that have drowned you. 

I’m so stupid.

Stop believe abusers change. Stop.! Stop making excuses for people who neglect their child then tell people you won’t let them see them. Don’t trust people who tell half stories to make you look like scum.. Stop letting time make you forget who they are and what they’ve done.. I want to ducking drown.
No one has broken my heart. But what has broken my heart.. knowing that the person in this world whom I should be able to trust, I can’t. The person who should live and regard these babies at the top of their mind every second of the day. Love them. Nature and protect them. Devote to them. Give in for them. And love them more than anything in this life.. you can’t trust them because they are absuers. They use the child to get at you. To monitor you. To hurt you. To drown you. They spoil them and feed them lies. They turn them on you when you are trying so hard to repair all the damages they left in their wake. 

No one understands. 

UDR 

{And yes I let auto correct keeping ducking. I’m a lady}

The moments where lonlines turns to panic.

How do you calm yourself in those moments when the loneliness turns into  panic. You’re reactive and irritated. Sad and every bad memory seems to chose this moment to come echoe into your mind. Every time you get close to someone they run. They run cos they got close to someone before you, who ran from them, and so the cycle continues. But most people seem to have toughened their hearts and minds, so they run without looking back. People are replaceable. People are disposable. But me, someone comes along who feels right, who feels safe, gets close, gets real, they run, they run and they don’t look back. 

People say well you don’t want to be with someone who does this or does that, or whatever.. but I’m a single parent with no help. I’m stuck with 2 children allllll the time. So it’s not like I have a huge opportunity to meet another and another. And it’s so scary to bring someone in, only for them to leave. 

It’s one thing when something doesn’t work out. I’m not talking about that. That’s a hurt I can handle.  I’m talking about piece taking their past out on the next. By pulling someone in, and running the second things get real. They let fear control them and they hurt the next person before they can get hurt. And it’s f****d.

I’ve been hurt so bad that I can’t keep accepting another and another.. but they are free. They can run from bed to bed. Club to club. They can throw around the “plenty more fish in the sea” lifestyle and I’m just trying to respect and accept and appreciate the small bit of love and kindness that may occasionally come my way. It’s rare, and that’s why it hurts me so much.. 

And I’m losing me I’m losing what makes people want me around. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m angry. And I’m tired of pretending I’m ok just so people aren’t sick of me. Because no one wants to be around me any more. 

I am screamed at all day. Tonight was terrible. And I’ve lost all patience. I’d give anything for the right person for me just to message me and tell me they miss me, love me, want to see me, ask me how I am, how my day was. I just had that. And it’s gone already. And now all I have is screaming again.

I hope no one else feels this pain tonight. And I hope you have a way to find something that can keep you centred safe and calm.

UdR 

Welcome..

Soooo I guess I’m starting this because I feel awful flooding my friends with my venting, trying to understand what the hell just happened on my date last night, or sending text messages with content that’s TMI even for my closest friends 🙊..

So now I can do it here.. so lucky you if you’re stopping by to read my posts.. 

And maybe if you can relate, or can offer advice or understanding or support. .!! Or even if you are looking for support yourself, maybe this is a place we can find it..? Oh and I’m well aware there will be some lovely trolls coming by at some point..!! We’ll deal with that when the time comes I guess..

I will post about who I am next and what I’ve dealt with. But FYI you will hear confusing rants about experiences, abuse fall out, and my dating experiences.. And just plain venting about life and kids and whatever I need to blurt out loud for a moment.. Because life and dating is so bloody confusing and frustrating in your 30s..!! So confusing.. especially for someone like me who likes to “just go with it”.. certainly leaves you open to hurt and being messed around and consuming mis-matched moments.. 

So talk soon and I hope I don’t bore you all with my rants which I’m sure will be repetitive and confusing at times, but I hope maybe someone can come along and help with the confusing experiences.. or just send me vurtual hugs..

Sweet dreams,

UDR ♡